I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
