I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
