thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
