Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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