you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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