no, he came in my armpit
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
we're so committed to being not committed
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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