you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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