I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
