Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
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