:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
All the doctor said was why
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
