the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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