When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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