Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
