tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
