Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
