Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
