my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
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I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
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also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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