The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
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