i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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