i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
