my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
