I accidentally had phone sex last night
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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