it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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