WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
