Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
My ATM looks so different sober.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
As shirtless as possible
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
