so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
