How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
