Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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