Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
