I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
