my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
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Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
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Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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