Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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