I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
