Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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