My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
