Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Randomize
