Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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