He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
