speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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