Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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