just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
