I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Randomize
