i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
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I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
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Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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