True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
