I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
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I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
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Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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