True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
