WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
