i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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