Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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