You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
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I need moral support for this bender
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
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We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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