I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
