you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
