I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
