I wish I could teleport
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
