today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
