this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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