you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
