Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Randomize
