when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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