i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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